


Episode #*&%^: The Necromancer

by lady_mab, thewriter8



Category: Johannes Cabal - Jonathan L. Howard, Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Gen, Genderbending, Radio, Rule 63, all hail the glow cloud, science and logic have no place in night vale, scorpion season
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-27
Updated: 2014-01-27
Packaged: 2018-01-10 07:20:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1156726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lady_mab/pseuds/lady_mab, https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewriter8/pseuds/thewriter8
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A necromancer arrives in Night Vale. Plus, notices from the librarians, a reminder of scorpion season, and voicemails from someone very important…</p>
            </blockquote>





	Episode #*&%^: The Necromancer

Wallowing.

There's water all around you.

It rises, pools around your ankles, and in the sickly dim half-light of the void, you see... stars?

No, not stars. They are eyes, watching you, watching you wallow, your despair growing deeper and darker.

Welcome... to Night Vale.

My dear listeners, it is yet another depressingly beautiful day here in Night Vale. People are lying listlessly in the streets, which makes it quite difficult for cars, of course. Many are flocking to the Whispering Forest, and, worse yet, the gates of the Dog Park. Listeners, heed my warning: Do not give in to these urges. Stay on the sidewalk, and most importantly, stay away from the Dog Park.

This just in, delivered to me by our Intern Lisa: A Necromancer is wandering our streets. What an auspicious occasion! You know as well as I that this is not our first necromancer sighting, though this gentleman does dress and smell better than our last dead-raising visitor -- and this, my friends, means he is far more dangerous. If you happen to see a man dressed all in black (despite this sweltering heat) with blue-smoke glasses and a sour expression, don't panic, but do not engage in conversation. The Sheriff's Secret Police have asked me to remind you not to sign any documents he may try to give to you. Your soul belongs to the glow cloud. ALL HAIL THE GLOW CLOUD.

Fellow denizens of Night Vale, I know it has become a bit of a common occurrence for me to talk about Carla on the radio, and I've heard from several dear and faithful listeners that you enjoy listening to me talk about her. This just makes it all the more difficult to say that--that she and I have gotten into a bit of a disagreement. I don't know what happened!

Everything had been going fine, right? Dare I say, perfect? At least, as far as I could tell, it has been. And then today--dear listeners, today was the fateful day that I started to question “what is perfection?” Earlier in the evening, Carla declared that the moon is late in rising. She says that at this point in the year, and considering that it was a full moon last night, it should already be high in the sky by now. As I am sure you have all noticed by this point, it is not. And adorable as she is when she tries to defend logic and reason, there comes a time when she has to realize that she is wrong! "It can't be a new moon. It was just full last night!" she argues. Yes, but if you spend all night shining bright so mere mortals such as us can can rejoice in you presence, wouldn't you want a day off? Carla didn't seem to think that was logical. Well, who is logical now, Carla? When your moon isn't in the sky like it should be?!

Do you think that it came down in the form of our mysterious Necromancer?! How much more logical is that, huh?!

....

I'm sorry, that was mean of me to say. I really do like to listen to her talk all science-y, but sometimes Night Vale defies what scientists believe are true. And sometimes said scientists need to be corrected...No matter how perfect their hair, or cute I find their dimples.

As I was saying, and as you were noticing, the moon is not in its usual spot in the sky tonight. Things are taking on a very dark and very dreary outlook. But never fear! Don't take a flashlight with you if you go out tonight. Not only will the stars be a bit more prominent than the void, but the lights in the streets might just go out earlier than usual as well. Think of it this way: When it's pitch black out, you won't be able to see what brushes past you in the night! Was it a cat? A raccoon? An extraterrestrial being with five legs and two rows of extremely sharp teeth? We'll never know, and maybe, just maybe, it's better that way.

And as for our Necromancer: He’s here and looks decidedly human. If you pass him tonight when it is as dark as the grave, pray that he is not the one to brush up against you.

Notices have cropped up all across Night Vale, and they are apparently from the Librarians! As of yet, sources are unsure if the librarians themselves posted these notices or if they have brainwashed an unsuspecting tourist that decided that our library might be a nice place to take refuge from the heat. All the same, these fliers are declaring a new battle in the “War on Literacy”, and ask our children to join the ranks of hard-working soldiers. About time, too. As one great leader said, "It's in your best interests that we have a literate tomorrow. You're irrelevant if people can't read. And we need to start figuring out whether they can or cannot early in a child's career”. Truer words never spoken.

So to sign up your child for Literacy Boot Camp, (and subsequently, the oncoming battle), inscribe your child’s name onto the trunk of one of the trees in the Whispering Forest. Their name will appear in a ledger in the library, written in blood, and therefore, completely and totally binding by all legal standards. And, while you might be taken by the trees, your child will be taken by the Librarians. Don’t let our children suffer in illiterate ignorance, Night Vale: Sacrifices must be made.

Let’s take a look at the traffic: No dead have yet been seen wandering the streets, but it’s barely the start to a long and dark evening. The City Council have their fingers crossed and are keeping an eager eye on the cemeteries. Alert the Sheriff's Secret Police immediately if you see any walking dead. You will be rewarded handsomely by the City Council. Also, there is an overturned trailer-truck outside of Rt. 800. His haul included several horses. So, watch out for that.

This just in, listeners: old woman Josie has offered lemonade to the necromancer that appeared in our little town this morning. We cannot tell if his sour expression is due to his morbid profession and blood-soaked past, or if Josie has forgotten sugar in the lemonade. Again. Let's hope she didn't use rat poison like she did at the last community watch meeting, because there would be no one here in Night Vale to bring the necromancer back from the dead. Right? Right. That's what you think. Because it is true. Right? riiiiiight.

With this incredible heat beating down on all of us, the City Council would like me to remind you that it is scorpion season. Please make sure you consume your food 5 times as quickly as you normally would before the scorpions invade your home for their daily meal. I'm sure most of you are still in the habit of eating a whole meal in 30 seconds from our trial run a few weeks ago, but in case you're out of practice, speed eating training sessions will be held this weekend. Also keep in mind that sometimes it's better to simply not eat at all...

Bento by the Void would like to announce that they are now serving sushi made exclusively with fish caught from our very own Nigh Vale Harbor and Waterfront Recreation Area! Critics are skeptical, seeing as the Harbor and Waterfront Recreation Area was recently declared as a shared hallucination by the city and, even in hallucination, does not contain any water. I’m not one to judge so quickly, Night Vale, and I for one am looking forward to trying out these new dishes! New combos will feature specials such as “Cave Worm Roll”, “Found in a Muddy Puddle Two Miles Outside of Town”, and the “Khoshekh Plate” will soon be appearing on the menu, thanks to Intern Lisa submitting to their ‘New Dish or Die’ competition. “Existential and Vegetable Tempura”, a dish favored by the Angels, will also be making a seasonal come-back! So stop by Bento by the Void to question the limits of your hunger, and your imagination.

I... Oh dear, my faithful listeners, I have just learned that-- that Carla was seen on a walk with the Necromancer mere moments ago. While I am here, tangled in my own personal conflict regarding our argument, she is out walking with a stranger that may or may not be the moon and most certainly can raise the dead. Does she really have no qualms about our fight? Can she really move on so quickly? Perhaps I am just worrying about this too much. B-But, they’re going for a stroll in the graveyard. That was our next date idea. I’m not upset--I’m not angry, just... a little conflicted. And I fear for this town’s safety if a Necromancer can walk so freely about! You all remember what happened the last time we had a visit from one of his kind, do you not? The man who smelled of fish and wore a tea cozy on his head. He walked about freely, as if he owned the place, and then one night he--

Well, I needn’t remind you what happened that night, dear listeners, even if the City Council has reminded us time and again that the great beast rising from the sand was in no way real and just a product of a crazed necromancer’s magics.

With that in mind, those horrible dark memories in mind, and a fear for Carla heavy on my heart, we go now to a word from our sponsors.

Laughter. Endless laughter. Faces stare at you as you try to swallow. The faces are dark, distorted, contorted into smiles unseen among humankind. You are lost. Screams surround you. They are not altogether unpleasant. You are lost. You ask for help. Despair is your only answer. Despair smells like cinnamon and black holes. You are lost. The air grows colder. The screaming never ends. Something rattles loudly behind you. There is no hope. It is too late. You are lost. The screaming deafens you...DISNEYLAND, THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH.

Listeners, during the break I-- Oh, I feel like such a fool now. During the break, none other than Carla called. She-- Oh, Night Vale, she is so beyond wonderful that I can’t even form it into words sometimes! I can’t quite think clearly right now, so here, I will play you the voice mail she left for me. Maybe listening to it a second time will help me organize my thoughts.

_Cecilia I-- Well, you see, I’ve been thinking about what you said. I understand that here in Night Vale, science is a bit more of a mystery than magic is -- and even then, the concepts of “magic” and “reality” are skewed. And, as an outsider, I don’t always fully understand it. To you, scientists probably are all comedians... But just as your love for Night Vale is your first defense, mine is science. We should talk, Cecilia. Give me a call back when you can._

Well, a second time through, and I still can’t quite wrap my head around it. A part of me is too distracted by her beautiful, smooth voice. But to think... the fact that she found it in herself to apologize before I could. And just when I thought I could try to come and understand just what about Science makes her so passionate. She has been here in Night Vale for over a year and has come to accept this city as so many try to do, the very least I could do would be to accept her ‘scientific facts’, right?

Ah, oh dear, she’s calling again. I can’t answer it. I-- Let’s take a look at the community calendar, shall we?

This Tuesday, parents of Night Vale are being asked to show up to any and all parent-teacher meetings ten minutes late with Sundollars. Wednesday, 10 points for each crack in the sidewalk that you land on. Bonus points for small children and pedestrians. Thursday will see an increase in hair growth, followed by an immediate recall of all grooming products early Friday morning. Saturday and Sunday will be a starless, likely moonless haze, and we will all awake next Monday to find that all clocks will be two hours behind.

Also, a reminder as I was just handed one of the fliers, that any and all parents wishing to enlist their children into the librarians army are to go to the Whispering Forest. Bring your sharpest knife for the best results!

Okay. Shall we listen to the new voicemail together? Oh, I’m so nervous -- okay, here it goes!

_Cecilia, after discussing many things with the necromancer, he’s encouraged me to take initiative. If I know you as well as I think I do, you will find any excuse to hide in the radio station for the rest of the night and try to avoid me. I don’t wish for that to happen, and I want to amend this rift that I caused between us by being so stubborn. He and I are on our way to the station right now. If my watch is right, and I’m never sure if it is anymore, your show is almost over. Cecilia, please don’t leave if you finish before I get there. I’ll see you soon._

Mmmng, listeners, I can’t! I just cannot comprehend how such a wonderful and smart and talented and funny -- even without all of her science talk -- a woman Carla is. And how terribly lucky I am to even spend time with her. I still am not comfortable with the idea of her being with our strange visitor, especially with the idea of her telling him anything deep and personal... but she always has been a go-getter from the get-go, hasn’t she?

Oh, Listeners, I hope I don’t pass out from nervous excitement before she gets here!

I’m a mess. My studio is a mess! I need to get ready--Let us go to the weather.

\---

The Sheriff’s Secret Police phoned the station during the break, and Intern Lisa has delivered their message to me. They would like to apologize for the erroneous report made earlier in this broadcast. It is NOT, as previously noted, scorpion season. It is actually anaconda season. If you see an anaconda, it doesn’t matter how fast you eat: It will get you. It doesn’t matter how much training you have: It will get you.

Hm, there’s some sort of chaos going on out in the hall, I wonder what it-- Oh, dear listeners, I am sorry to report that the Necromancer has arrived here at the radio station and offered a contract to Intern Lisa. Sadly, she did not heed the Sheriff’s Secret Police’s warning and has thus forfeited her soul to whatever infernal devices the necromancer has up his sleeve. To the parents of Lisa the Intern: she served this studio well. Her ability to not follow a single direction correctly is truly commendable. She will be with us in our hearts, and filing papers incorrectly in whatever afterlife she subscribed to.

Ah, ooh, someone just knocked--

C-Carla is at my door, dear listeners. I can see her through the little glass pane separating the darkness of my studio from the darkness of the hallway. I do not even mind that the necromancer is there because I see her and she is smiling. I am a fool, dear listeners. I am a fool to ever think my dear Carla is wrong, in any capacity, because she is nothing but right. Right for science, right for Night Vale, right for... for me. I wish you all the best, listeners. I wish you fights at 3AM and fights about pillowcases and fights about science, and I wish you apologies, mutual apologies. I wish you more happiness than my voice can prescribe. And now, with a night more stars than void, I wish you a hopeful Goodnight, Night Vale... goodnight.

**Author's Note:**

> If you would like to listen to (or view) this episode, please: help yourself:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygbhFdbnn2g  
> Weather featured is Eli August and the Abandoned Building's "Alone". Because his music gives us lots of feelings.


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